from the left

i was talking about sensual amber when she winded me, bluntly, out of nowhere, without any indication or warning. i think it was body wash in particular when she shifted from beside me to directly across from me, which strangely enough, struck me as odd. i sat with my mouth agape taking in her words, absolute shock, for a long while without any reaction other than ‘WHAT??’ at some point, i managed to pick my mouth up off the floor while still in a full daze. i wiped the corner of my eye which watered with the news and many times thereafter. we sat around speaking of every minutia, the common, the uncommon, the $50 worth of confirmation (in her typical virgo fashion), the calm before the storm and ultimately the truck which collided into her. i’m not sure what the expression on my face read or how my reaction was interpreted, if it genuinely expressed my sincerest emotions which are those of genuine heartfelt happiness. i worry that the jolt she gave me hindered my true expressions and left me momentarily paralyzed but I am certain she knows, she must know. i am tickled pink.

 

asparagus what?

a girly lunch at café supreme, the one with the hot brown owner, ends up in a conversation that leaves me squeamish, yet intrigued. yummy food (and emptier wallets) fills our tummies as we banter back and forth. After a few spoonfuls of my asparagus soup, i am left with a chocolate aftertaste that leaves me slightly confused. we all take turns sampling and agree that it is an eerie mesh of chocolate and nacho cheese sauce. surprisingly enough it’s not too offensive. the exceptionally quick service leaves us with a lot of extra minutes to ramble on, as only girls can, about annoying coworkers (i AM compassionate, just not when it comes to her), the hassle of hair removal, weddings, to-do lists, cupcakes and silicone catch cups. ew. the thought is almost enough to make me gag yet upon my return to my computer i open google and begin researching. i am almost convinced, the skeptic that i am. i wonder if it will be as life changing for us as it was for her…

 

awakened

the troubles of a girlfriend, and a backwards jaunt, leaves my mind mildly nostalgic and alerted to the fact that i am most thankful for you. a preoccupied law girl spends a good chunk of my morning recollecting how this all started and how i knew from the beginning that i loved you, even before i really knew that i loved you. i still can’t decipher that exact moment when everything changed, when we went from being friendly to being more but i recall the excitement. the massive excitement. the constant smiles. the giddy love. endless conversations until just before dawn (we couldn’t seem to get enough), as though all the years prior didn’t account for anything. i remember those painful mornings, waking up miserable but smiling. always smiling. people saw it on our faces despite our efforts to conceal it while we tested the waters, and with uncertainty tucked into our back pockets we pressed onward. it amazes me how easy it is to take for granted those which you love the most. we have been blessed to have this and it’s something i never want to lose sight of, the way we fell in love - over years, laughter, stories and wine. listening to my friend tell me about the setbacks of her own man-troubles leaves me conscious of the fact that i have the best.

 

jamaica jamaica

sitting on my balcony overlooking my city. my fingers wrapped around the warmth of my tea, i curl my legs up in front of me listening to jamrock, feeling the rhythm. the sky is grey but not enough of a hindrance to alter my state of mind. i notice a couple walking hand-in-hand. further down some kids gathered around one another, their laughter echoing around the bend. they’re not affected by the view. i am. my ears fill with the melodies of errol fisher. if i listen close enough, i hear the  distinction of the trumpet, sax, piano individually and each of them are beautiful in their own right but the collaboration, coupled with his voice is magical. i remember sitting in the lounge on bloor street for the first time listening to him, watching his expression. he feels the music. passion. i am away from here, another place, a new state of mind.

 

extroversion

a friend posed the following question to me asking if i would partake, as part of an experiment she is conducting:

 

Write a 1,000 word prose about yourself, your character, strengths, weaknesses, traits, how you believe you are perceived by others. Simultaneously, you are to ask a friend to do the same, about you, 1,000 words depicting their view of you They key is to finish your own piece before reading the one written in your honor. This exercise is sometimes fun, sometimes offensive, mostly eye-opening. Enjoy.

 

i’ve solicited green. this should be interesting. results will be posted in a few days.

 

tree killer

everything since last friday is a massive blur of days being crossed, nights becoming days and sleepovers at the office. i got a text this afternoon from a friend, annoyed at the fact that i haven’t yet returned her call from last week. she’s trying to set up dinner and while i understand her frustration, she’s being insensitive to the fact that i am (and have been for countless days) completely buried under paperwork. i am tired. exhausted actually. i can think of a million things i’d rather be doing than reviewing risk management documents, returning her call included, but i’m committed to this, so for the time being i’ll smile and go about my business in effort to get everything done on time. or as close as possible to on time. after 14 hours in the office though, it’s hard not to wonder, has anyone noticed?

 

conferencing

i’m taking a minute to breathe while my millionth print job for the day prints. i just finished fighting with the canon-monster copier and came short of giving it a black eye but one of our maintenance staff walked in, i feared being caught red-handed, she already thinks i’m strange. i’ve noticed an usually high number of deep rooted sighs being released as of yesterday morning, not that uncommon i suppose given our impending deadline and the fact that nothing seems cemented yet, including the two speakers which confirmed that they’re cancelling. i’m not worried though, i’m certain we will figure something out to fill the spot and if worse comes to worse i can always tap-dance.

 

flying thoughts

you must have been in my thoughts last night, or perhaps in a dream that i don’t recall having, though i doubt it’s the latter given my ability to remember every minutiae of my subconscious state. organizing files which lead me to you leave me wishing i could have neatly packed away your memory and tucked it safely into some dark corner of my closet. 6,500 miles. out-of-sight, out-of-mind except today proves that theory inaccurate when i find myself googling that URL because it is gone from my memory (and my bookmarks). my belly flops as i stare at the bottom left-hand corner of the monitor website-found-opening-page-done, further confirmation of hearsay from Vegas which landed in my ear not long ago. a link which links me to a webpage that has now loaded, i check my emotions and browse the latest file, the one with the coloured backdrop, and feel nostalgic of your gracious nature as i stare at photos of you at the orphanage embracing children who look as excited to see a real life fighter pilot as they are to see his dog. another time, another life, seems long ago despite the fact that it wasn’t, and if i really concentrate i can finally understand how it never happened, never materialized into anything more than an exchange that open my eyes to a world outside my own. i wonder sometimes, while i fight with my conscious self to succumb to sleep, if things could have been different…if i should have been different and after the whirlwind jaunt my mind takes i revert to same conclusion i came to that morning you boarded that airplane and left my life.

 

blue leash black tea

i saw you this morning. i was ordering my tea, my hair much shorter than you ever knew, clipped back, so perhaps you didn’t recognize me and notice my locked gaze hidden behind the dark lenses of the glasses i bought in italy. surely i could have passed for any typical woman, but nothing about that moment was typical. i was sifting though my alligator belly change purse, the one that was gifted to me years ago as a constant reminder of sustaining friendships despite distance and odds, trying to come up with thirty-seven cents when i rose my eyes to see you standing there, a phone to your left ear and luca on the leash in your right hand. i was static. the 18 year barista behind the counter called my drink order and alerted me to the fact that i still owed the thirty-seven cents. out of sorts, i scramble to pay, grab my tea and stall near the back of the coffee house, not certain that i am in the right frame of mind to go through the mandatory pleasantries i have been dreading forever, certainly not this early in the day. perhaps i am mistaken, perhaps it is not really you standing in the crisp morning breeze but instead a close replica who imitates your body language so perfectly. hopeful there is but an ounce of truth, i glance at the belted watch on my left wrist which confirms that is just after 8:30am, i am optimistic, but my hope is immediately lost as luca barks and i realize that the tea in my right hand is burning me.

 

five minutes

I was given the following task:

Write a conscious streaming of thoughts for 5 straight minutes without pause, hesitation or consideration about what you are writing. The object of this task is to allow your thoughts to flow freely without stopping to check sentence structure, form or word selection. It proves to be interesting. Go. 

its a bit daunting, the thought of letting my most inner thoughts pour out, unaltered from their original form, without any consideration of how they will be interpreted, having no luxury of edit while these words fill my brain to form thoughts that will trickle their way through the innate biology that makes up my being until the signals reach my fingertips which so eloquently click the requisite button on the keyboard. instinctively i feel as though i must examine what i write…it’s like when someone hands you a confidential file and asks that you not look at it, the temptation is overpowering. it reminds me of that feeling which overtakes me every single time im in an elevator (now that i am no longer phobic) - i get this uncontrollable feeling to press the emergency button and make the elevator stop abruptly and jolt me as the alarm rings and rings and rings and hurst my ears, all the while im freaking out and pressing my back against the far wall trying desperately to breathe. odd, given that this exactly how my phobia of elevators began so many years ago. a flurry of anxiety fills me and leaves just as quiclkly, what was i just thinking?

time.

 

persian cheesecake

dinner at a persian restaurant lands us in the presence of yummy food, great friends and an annoying little boy insistent on repeatedly slamming the door shut. we wonder where his mother is. a sasha cohen replica acts as our server and offers little when prompted for a recommendation. he smiles. i look back at the menu more confused than before. warm mountain tea and vegan chocolate chip cookies (that taste like gingery cardboard) leave me craving really fattening chocolate cheesecake. infectious yawns mark the beginning of the end of the evening so we trollop home to our respective comfy beds only to wake in the morning for a quick run on the treadmill, a few minutes of some funky stretches and a cold shower to act as a waking-agent and to wash yesterday’s makeup off my face. a scheduled visit with the boy who is officially an army-man ends up much longer than expected. a game of snake and ladders with the little one before making plans for drinks back at my brother’s place. infectious yawns mark beginning of the end of the evening so we trollop home to our respective comfy beds only to wake at some painful hour sunday morning to start, and finish, steinbeck’s strangest book before our scheduled 1:30 lunch. rob, our waiter, is adorable, and hung-over, and does a bang-on job entertaining us and granting the attention-whores the attention we so need. judgement on the large number of middle-aged gambling addicts leaves us all thankful for the lack of like vices. hand written scribbles on the back of the bill triggers juvenile reactions which result in bubble letters with heart dotted “i”s.

 

patience greengrasshopper

a momentary blip corrected with the unfastening of a guarded hub gives me all the perspective i need. not that i was ever really uncertain or had any doubt but the mind has the most uncanny ability to make logical situations seem illogical, if you allow it. an earnest attempt to depict each of our views leaves me feeling momentarily winded at the thought of an uninvited end result which both of us agree neither of us desire. i wonder how two people sharing the same views end up on opposite grounds. his patience balances my overzealous reactions which i can’t recall if i’ve ever thanked him for. patience is most certainly a virtue, one i realize i desperately need to hone.

 

ballers

a collage put together by the wonderchild acts as a time filler for the always-late brother who managed to forget his tickets only twice last night. traveling in the opposite direction of 5 o’clock traffic we rush to park and find a place to grab some food before being witness to the skill (and loveliness) of the ballers (parker). the little man with the ‘will you marry me’ sign ends up being fortunate that he is not a she otherwise i’m fairly confident there would have been some hell to pay.  the little girl with the red hair and chocolate-smeared face ends up shakin’ it like its nobody business and leaves us all envious of her moves. a recap of last evening comes in the form uploaded pictures as proof of the debauchery. one too many of those infamous crotch shots, i have to remember not to let him near my camera again, his sister warned me.

 

red sticker

a website turned tv program on an all-business-network early this morning leaves me contemplating my approach to the one aspect which has been constant in my life. hammering concrete, and not efficiently at that, has left me exactly where i desire to be, comfortable. ludicrous thoughts of moneymakers and moneyshakers have me performing drive-thru banking for an overseas account, which incidentally isn’t really overseas. i noticed this morning that a mug is missing from the ledge that houses my mugs and in its place is a shinny red sticker affixed to the base of my telephone which reads EMERGENCIES Contact Security ext #2277, which strikes me as peculiar. i wonder how long it will take to get my head afloat from all these obligations which continue to amass. i made tentative plans with a friend for mid-may, so hopefully by then.  a sigh of relief breathed in the presence of crisp spring air leaves me with a sense of accomplishment that comes two months late, better late than never i suppose.

 

one

moments wasted pondering if it would be worthwhile to start a blog, correction, start a new blog. finding an extension of one’s personality has proven to be cumbersome and i hardly feel…extended. frustration multiplied tenfold, i revert back to my previous self (against my better judgment) and wonder if this new playground will encourage the written word, expression of self, but mostly i hope for the emptying of the contents of this head.